Book 152 - A Year of Magical Learning

Reflection Title: You Will Never “Win” an Argument

Book – How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Book Description:

How to Win Friends and Influence People is a self-help book written by Dale Carnegie, published in 1936. Over 30 million copies have been sold worldwide, making it one of the best-selling books of all time.

Carnegie had been conducting business education courses in New York since 1912. In 1934, Leon Shimkin of the publishing firm Simon & Schuster took one of Carnegie's 14-week courses on human relations and public speaking; afterward, Shimkin persuaded Carnegie to let a stenographer take notes from the course to be revised for publication. The initial five thousand copies of the book sold exceptionally well, going through 17 editions in its first year alone.

Reflection:

I LOVE a good debate.

I will argue with anyone, about any topic, and at any place or time. Arguing just for fun, has been a lifelong passion of mine. It gets my mind engaged, it makes me think, it gets my energy flowing, it puts problem solving into action, and it makes me feel alive. A good debate wakes me up out of my slumber from a dull conversation about the weather or what you are doing this weekend and it adds a little spice to life. It makes the conversation and interaction matter…and that matters to me.

I’ve spent a lifetime engaging in these types of conversations with friends, strangers, family members, and anyone who is willing to jump into the ring with me. As an argument expert, I’m happy to report my findings. If your goal is to change someone’s mind…it doesn’t work, it has never worked, and it will never work! Not once have I “won” a debate or argument in the hundreds or thousands of interactions that I’ve had over the course of my entire life. I may have felt like I made my point, but I guarantee that it did nothing to persuade anyone to change their views on life. We both walked away from any of these engagements and went back to our lives with nothing changed.

Why? People’s thoughts, ideas, and perspectives of this world are shaped over a lifetime of tiny, compounding events that have led them to where they are today. If you think that in one 30-minute window that you can undo a lifetime of build up, you don’t know how humans work.

Well, I clearly didn’t understand how humans worked either for my entire life up until these past few years. I thought I did…but I clearly didn’t. I still don’t today, and I won’t pretend to know now or at any time in the future, but that won’t stop me from trying. I always try to live my life these days by the motto say that “I Don’t Know Anything”, and I truly mean it.

What I have learned from people like Dale Carnegie, is if you only have a few minutes with someone, spend all that time learning and listening to them tell their story about how they came to be today. Listen to what they like, what they don’t, why they believe what they believe, what ideas matter to them, etc. You will make a lot of friends that way. Don’t do what I did and pick an argument. Arguing is fun for me, but I’ve found it rare to find anyone else that just loves arguing for the sake of arguing as a mental exercise.

Influence, on the other hand, is different than making a friend. Influence is a slow shifting of paradigms and belief systems. If you want to influence someone, that takes time and a willingness of both parties to want to take a journey together. They must see what you see, feel what you feel, and experience what you experience in order for those ideas to have any chance of making an impact in their world.

These types of relationships are rare and take a lot of time and effort, but they are everything.

Emilia has influenced me beyond my wildest dreams, and she has changed my life. I agreed to take this journey with her, and we are learning together as we make our way through this world. It has been nothing short of magical and I’m so proud to call her my daughter, hero, and guide. Thank you Emilia.

Question: Who have been your biggest influences that have shaped your world?

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Links:

What is The Year of Magical Learning? An Introduction

YOML Podcast Discussion - Coming Soon

YOML Bookstore - How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie