Book 99 - A Year of Magical Learning

Reflection Title – Embrace Conflict!

Book – Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depending on It by Chris Voss

Book Description: After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City, Missouri, Chris Voss joined the FBI, where his career as a hostage negotiator brought him face-to-face with a range of criminals, including bank robbers and terrorists. Reaching the pinnacle of his profession, he became the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator. Never Split the Difference takes you inside the world of high-stakes negotiations and into Voss’s head, revealing the skills that helped him and his colleagues succeed where it mattered most: saving lives. In this practical guide, he shares the nine effective principles―counterintuitive tactics and strategies―you too can use to become more persuasive in both your professional and personal life. Life is a series of negotiations you should be prepared for: buying a car, negotiating a salary, buying a home, renegotiating rent, deliberating with your partner. Taking emotional intelligence and intuition to the next level, Never Split the Difference gives you the competitive edge in any discussion.

Reflection:

 Do you ever get to that point in time in a conversation where you say to yourself, “This person is literally crazy…this is a waste of my time”?

We all have those moments, whether it is meeting someone new at a party that wants to debate dead philosophers, dealing with a co-worker that has a different strategy, engaging in debate with social media idiots or message boards, watching 24/7 cable news and hearing political junkies spout nonsense, etc. For most of us, our first inclination is to naturally abstain and walk away. I totally get it, what’s the point in getting all riled up and preparing to defend your positions in life? We’ve learned in previous books and reflections that one of our superpowers as humans is to be kind and get along with each other. It would seem counterintuitive to want to jump into knock down drag out debates with an adversary if that was the case. After all, most of these topics aren’t life and death or anything.

So why do we do it? Why do we seek out conflict with others? Why do we argue, debate, and negotiate? There has to be something to gain from conflict or else it wouldn’t exist…right?

With the book, Never Split the Difference, once again we find some great lessons in the extremes of life that we can use to become a more balanced human. The extremes never seem to fail in terms of delivering the most impactful lessons of life. Unfortunately for the author, Chris Voss, he didn’t have the choice to abstain from his fights because that was his job as an FBI negotiator. He was forced to figure out a compromise with some of the most irrational and extreme people on this planet.

The biggest lesson I learned was to embrace conflict head on!

It is through conflict, that we actually become closer and more connected to our fellow humans and ourselves. When we find one of those disagreeable people or situations in our lives, that is an opportunity for us to shift our paradigms and learn new perspectives on life. If we want to find a path forward, we must force ourselves to use empathy, compassion, and our imaginations to see things from a different lens on life. In forcing ourselves to find a way forward when we reach in impasse in life, the lessons we learn help us to become more balanced, versatile, and more connected with ourselves and fellow man.

This reminds me of my family’s journey after losing Emilia. Infused with her strength she demonstrated in her life, we’ve embraced the challenges this world has thrown at us head on. In doing so, I’ve learned more about myself, my fellow human, and life in general than I ever thought possible. I’m way more emotionally intelligent, connected, balanced, and aware than I’ve ever been in my entire life. That didn’t come from being around a bunch of people I liked…that came from enduring the worst conflict I could have ever imagined.

So don’t be afraid when presented with conflict. Run at it and you just might find the most important lessons of your life waiting on the other side.

Question: What have your biggest conflicts in life? What lessons did you learn?

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Links:

What is The Year of Magical Learning? An Introduction

YOML Podcast Discussion - Never Split the Difference

YOML Bookstore - Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depending on It by Chris Voss